Speaking Of Which, I'm An Actor...If It Matters...

Hiya. Haven't blogged in like...months. Figured I'd pump something out while I was in the mood. I've got a bunch to write about, so here goes.

Me being an iCarly fan. (No, I'm NOT ashamed. That show is great.) I found Dan Schneider's iCarly blog. It has a bunch of fun things about iCarly, it's cast, and a lot of stuff! I look at it and think, "Wow. It must be so awesome to work in that business." And I truly just hope I get the privilege to work in that field. So many people tell me I'm a GREAT actor, I have what it takes and whatnot. But I constantly have these "episodes", if you will, that cause me to have an emotional breakdown with me thinking, "I'm not gonna get to pursue what I want.". Yea, I HAVE the skills to sing and act, but what are the CHANCES? There are thousands of people that wanna pursue it, but only a handful are actually lucky enough to pursue such a rewarding career. I keep hearing, "You're young. You have time to pursue this." But I mean, time IS wearing thin. So many actors have started at MY age, and a LOT being YOUNGER than me when they started. It's such a connection based business that it's quite impossible. There's the problem with building a base, getting yourself known and noticed, and finally getting into the business using those connections. Part of me is so TERRIFIED to ask someone, "Would you be able to put the good word in for me?" without either looking desperate or stupid. Most likely I'd get a reply of, "Uhh..yea. Sure. I'll see what I can do..." And never hearing a word from them again. You literally have to KNOW and be CLOSE to someone. The only connection I have is my uncle, and he says he'll get me in, but part of me doesn't think he will. Do I have to BEG? If I have this "insurmountable" talent, why is it going unnoticed? Am I not trying hard enough? Do I really have "what it takes"? I don't even know. So many people want to pursue the career simply because they wanna have the shiny cars and mansions they see on MTV Cribs. I want to do this simply because I LOVE DOING IT! Yea, I've done my share of fantasizing about the money I'd have and what I'd do with it, but who hasn't? It's a nice perk and all, but when it comes down to it, I'd work for free if the option were given to me. If I wanted money that bad, I'd go back to my old job as a Home Retention Assistant or file processor at my old law firm job. Acting and singing is a drug to me. It's my way out of the real world. To enter the shoes of another person, fictional or otherwise. My opportunity to be someone I'm not. I know, it sounds sort of masochistic and crazy, but I THRIVE off of it! And THEN there's the entertainment factor. Knowing that what I'm doing is either making people laugh, cry, think, and just REACT makes me feel accomplished and HAPPY. It's usually why I do things for the shock value. To strike a reaction in someone. I love giving people a reason to walk off thinking, "Wow." I try to do everything I can to do it. I write poetry, I sing, I act, I (attempt to) dance. Everything that has anything to do with reaching the public with an artistic and idealistic approach is something I'd do. A simple desk job or hands-on job isn't as appealing to me. If I want to HELP someone, I donate blood or money to a local charity or hospital. So it just makes me wonder...maybe the "drive" isn't enough. If anyone reads this, someone please provide me with the RIGHT way to pursue this, because I seem to be doing it wrong.

Okay. Lately I've been in a complex. A dilemma, if you will. I have been on the topic of Alan (in my head) for quite some time this year. It's only been a month, yea. But I can't seem to shake it, or him, for that matter. I try pulling away, but he just pulls me right back in. Everything he does is awesome in my eyes. I know. I sound crazy. "Ooh. He jumped. Isn't he adorable?" Well lets hope I'm not THAT nuts. Or obsessed...I dread the day someone tells me I'm obsessed. That's like telling me I'm crazy enough to be considered weird and unbearable to be around. I DON'T wanna be obsessed. (I'm terrified, as you can tell.) It's just...I've never met someone like him. He's got these qualities that I just can't find in anyone else. He doesn't piss me off in the least. He makes me laugh. He always has something to talk about. He's interested in EVERYTHING I am. We share SO FUCKING MUCH IN COMMON it's UNNATURAL. Now not saying that because all this is true he's "perfect" for me. These are all qualities that friendships hold as well. But I also see him in that light. Someone I can see myself being happy with. Someone who I know won't be this boring, sex obsessed oaf with nothing to talk about. I'm sure he has his moments where he's "in need of attention", but I know he'd NEVER take advantage of me (Anymore.....), wouldn't do anything I'm not comfortable with, and he'd never ask for too much unless he was certain I was down. We can talk for hours on end about nothing. I find this quality to be very good. There's just so much about him that just makes me want to be with him. He's handsome, smart, generous, caring, sweet, funny and spontaneous. Qualities that I look for in a BOYFRIEND, not just a friend.

I kinda reared away from the original point of the last paragraph, so I'll explain here. As I said, I'm in a dilemma. The qualities listed above and a lot I haven't mentioned are more visible to me now than they ever were before. He's a lot more attractive to me. And I'm trying to convince myself to bring this up and ask him out (Again.). My dilemma is this. I want to ask him, and if I don't, I'll go fucking batshit. But I know he'll say "No." and give me the same song and dance he gave me all the other times I've asked him, which is stopping me. I've been thinking of ways to maybe find out if he is at least REMOTELY interested. (One way in which I will explain later.) But of course, I'm a pussy. And then there's the part of me that just wants to get shit over with. Parts of me that say, "Do this. Either he'll like it and it'll progress, or he'll dislike it and avoid you, making it that much easier to get over him." And more times than none, my "I don't give a shit" attitude always wins. Because I DON'T give a shit. Who cares about what happens? I'll get over it eventually. I did it with Rori. I did it with all my ex boyfriends. I did it with all my jobs. I did it with college. I'm able to defeat that "regret" and "remorse" toward myself and other people when I need to, and it's giving me the strong urge to just reach in and plant one on him. And thoughts like, "He will be EXTREMELY pissed." or "He won't like that ONE BIT!" just don't phase me, because I DON'T CARE! But then THAT makes me look like an asshole, because I DO care about Alan. My rebellious side is suppressed around him and because of him. He keeps me in check, so I don't kill myself...well quicker, anyway. And he cares about ME. From what he's said, I'm the only person that talks to him. ( :'( ) So I'm glad I'm the one person that cares about him. I just want more...Is that so much to ask? Anyway, I've been dealing with this quite some time. I wanna find a way I can TALK about this with him, without him being even REMOTELY awkward with it. I just wanna have one pleasant conversation with him, telling him how much he means to me, how I think he's the most amazing boy in the world, and just try to explain that he can take it as slow as he wants and anything he needs to get done will always come first. But I can't without him feeling uneasy! It sucks. Though I've deducted a few things. For one, if he truly NEEDS to worry about other things, then I'd be willing to wait until he deals with that stuff. So he can't say "I have other things to worry about.". I won't LET us being together ruin our friendship. The ONLY way it would be destroyed is if it were because of him, so he can't say "It'll ruin our friendship.". He cant tell me he's not the datable type, because, honestly, who isn't? Everyone has flaws. His just so happen to make me want to be with him more. And when he says, "I'm not looking." Well that's just simply that. That's on him. But if he WON'T date me, even after all that's said, then it means he's shallow and has a problem with dating me simply because of physical reasons i.e I'm not cute enough or some superficial reason. Either that, or he just doesn't wanna date...I'll never find out, because I'm just too much of a damn pussy to DO anything about it!

"I've been thinking of ways to maybe find out if he is at least REMOTELY interested. (One way in which I will explain later.)"

I shall explain. This is most likely what I WILL do. This is, more or less, the easiest way to get started on talking about anything related to this. A while back, Liza (posing as me) asked him a question.

If we put all the friendship stuff aside, would you consider dating me?

And the response I received was "Hmmm... Maybe." And I'm pretty sure it was a good maybe. A bad maybe would've been, "Ugh...Idk. Maybe." If I know him enough. Anyway, after he answered, I began doing backflips and jumping for joy. All that noise. I was too star struck and happy to continue conversation with him and my sidekick was close to death so I told him, "Look. We'll discuss this later." and he replied with an "Okay. Lol.". I have been thinking...NOW IS the time to discuss it. Now if only I can bring myself to do so...

Okay, off of "fucker". I've done enough ranting about him. New topic...

CHRISTMAS! Christmas was a blast and a half. One of the best I've had. I got everything I wanted, which is as follows:

• iPod Touch 8 Gig
• Rockband 2
• A green Snuggie
• A jogging suit
• Pajamas and tank tops
• A $200 gift card
• LOTS OF CANDY!!

I love all my gifts and junk. And with the $200 gift card I was able to get my friends stuff they liked. I paid for Liza's college application and bought Alan a nice sweater. He liked it. She was happy. So I was happy. Good turnout.

NEW YEARS! Christmas passed by nicely, and New Years was nearing. Just a few days before, a knock at the window. It's MY COUSIN. STEVEN. And his girlfriend! They live in Massachusetts. Apparently, it was an impulse. They just said, "Let's go to NY." and they just showed up @ 3 AM. Haha. Then they kidnapped me and took me back to Mass. We got totally shitfaced for New Years and I called my grandparents drunk off my ass wishing them a Happy New Year. Then I passed out sleeping. Then I stayed there for like...a month. I finally got home and everything was right in the world. So yea. An eventful vacation.

What else to discuss....

Apparently, I've worked enough to file taxes. Not big news, but apparently, I may just get some money back! My father says maybe around $600-$800! MONEY! :-D

Well, I'm gonna log off. I promised Alan I'd watch Alien. I've been so distracted I totally forgot. Haha. Talk to you guys later!

Kisses for all!

- Joey